May 29, 2009
Creating Peace In Time Of Chaos
Build Your Life
I am writing this newsletter as a very personal story of mine so anyone facing despair or trials in their life will gain a new perspective of what is possible. I must confess it is a long blog post, but I beleive you will find the content powerful. This newsletter is for anyone who is scared or uncomfortable at this point in time.
I offer this to you with the authentic desire that you begin looking at these times in your life differently.
Early in my career I reached a point where I doubted everything. I doubted my work, the possibility that people really could change. I lost faith momentarily in the innate goodness of people and was overwhelmed by the petty, viciousness of distorted perspectives and the effort it took to deal with misguided use of power.
At the time I had been working with an Arikara, Hidatsa tribal elder and teacher named Marilyn Youngbird. I performed many sweat lodges with her and developed a deep respect for the Native American tradition, witnessing and experiencing profound healing in the lodge with her. I was privileged to have had the land to build a sweat lodge for her work and became lodge keeper for many years while I lived in San Diego California.
During this dark night of my spirit I contacted Marilyn at her home in the Colorado Rockies. She lived in a remote area of Colorado high in the mountains in the forest up at 9000 feet.
I requested she facilitate me in a vision quest and sweat lodge so I could sit in silence and pray. She consented to have me come to her land. I left San Diego arriving at the Denver airport late in the afternoon about a month after my initial call for help and drove up the mountain to Marilyn’s land near Bailey Colorado. When I arrived, Marilyn had made dinner and we sat on her large deck overlooking the forest and spoke about my intention for the vision quest and what the vision quest represented in her tradition. As we sat under a star filled sky, she explained that this ceremony was the most sacred ceremony of her people and could be translated to be a “Cry for a Vision.”
My heart opened and explained to Marilyn that the recent events that had unfolded in my life left me without hope and without a desire to continue my life. My heart had been broken, my spirit disillusioned and my faith in the good of people destroyed. She placed her arm around me and said “now you know the state of my people.”
Before my arrival I was asked to prepare 405 prayer ties each color representing different aspects of the Lakota cosmology, each one infused with my prayer for a vision. Each one of the prayer ties containing a small offering of tobacco and tied on a continuous cord approximately four inches apart. I sat for weeks in silence before leaving for the high mountains of Colorado, patiently entwining my intention into every small prayer tie.
The next morning I went into the mountains and forest and picked out my spot to sit in prayer.
I claimed my spot and went back down the mountain to Marilyn’s cabin. We prepared the robes which are large pieces of cloth tied with a large bundle of tobacco to be placed facing the east where the sun rose and at the four corners of my sacred circle of prayers which would be defined when we unwound my prayer ties forming the circle of my prayers and intention.
I would sit for the next three to four days without food and a cup of water a day. Marilyn would come to my vision quest site once a day to give me one cup of water during the quest.
As the robes were completed we began the fire to heat the stones for the sweat lodge, or purification ceremony before I was taken out to my site in silence. Once you leave the lodge you take a vow of silence until the quest was complete.
As the rocks were brought into the lodge one by one and the lodge began to heat up I remained in prayer until the final rock was placed and the water was poured. Sitting in pitch black, Marilyn began the songs to God in her native tongue as the sweat began pouring from my body. I sat in silence before Marilyn asked me to pray.
My prayer was this: “God come to me and bring me a miracle to convince my mind you are always with me and guiding me. I would rather die in the forest without this knowledge than to continue on with my life.” I told Marilyn to leave me out in the forest unless I was given my vision and let me die because I could not go on otherwise.
I knew she would know if I received the vision and knew she would know if I did not.
We actually never fail at anything in our lives, we just are not focused enough with desire to demand it from the quantum field of possibilities.
After my prayer and several more rounds of water poured on the rocks and the sacred songs from the Arikara nation, I slipped into silence.
As we exited the lodge Marilyn gathered the robes and prayer ties as I gathered my sacred pipe from the alter outside the lodge and we wandered off into the forest to my vision quest site. I made no eye contact and went within into my meditation as I walked through the rocks and grass and crushed leaves. I entered the spirit world or my inner sanctuary where the only thought in my mind and the only prayer on my lips was; “God come to me and provide me with the undeniable evidence you watch over me.”
This prayer would become my mantra for the next 72 hours.
Marilyn prepared my circle with the different colored robes and the definition of my prayer circle created by the unwinding of the prayer ties I had so meticulously tied back in San Diego. My home seemed far away now and very distant, as I sat in the dark of the forest alone, high in the Colorado Rockies, with my prayer pipe filled with tobacco sitting in a circle of my prayers with only one desire; know my life was guided.
I was determined to sleep very little and keep my prayer rolling on my tongue and in my mind continuously. As I lay there on the forest floor staring up at the endlessly starred sky I began to drift off to sleep only to be awakened by vibration coming up from the earth into my body. I kept thinking “what is that ” the vibration continued feeling like mini earth tremors but in almost a footstep pattern. As the vibration became stronger I realized what it was: “BEAR rang through my mind and terror griped my body.
I laid there motionless with my eyes closed clenching my prayer pipe to my chest as the bear entered my prayer circle.
Trembling I mustered up the prayer; “Brother bear what wisdom have you brought me?” The bear sniffed around my hair for about ten minutes and slowly walked off into the forest.
An old Indian man appeared in my minds eye and said: Do not be afraid the bear medicine will be given in time.
I drifted off into sleep exhausted by the fear I had produced in my body, realizing I was the one that had created the emotional response and all the bear desired was to explore this curious new creature in his path through the woods.
I awoke to a bright sunrise in the east staring off into the five colorful robes before me as I sat with my prayer pipe in my hands continuing my prayer.
It was about 3:00pm judging from the suns location when I noticed coming out of the dense forest a mule deer doe moving up the incline with caution. I prayed as I watched her look to the right and left. I sat frozen, locked onto her movements expecting something was coming as a sign. She moved cautiously looking behind her as she moved further out into the clearing of the dense forest.
She looked around and then back one more time and in some secret language she signaled two beautiful fawns who came bounding out of the thicket up to her.
A voice went off in my head; “Gary!!! This is how I watch over you. I go before you and create the safety for your path ahead.”
I sat for the next four hours and cried tears of relief and gratitude.
I continued my prayer with determination. I desired a miracle that my mind could not deny and was doubt-proof.
I kept saying to myself the bear was a sign the deer was a sign but my heart is not convinced.
I sat through the night in prayer and into the following morning. I was on my third day without food and a cup of water a day. Each day Marilyn came with a cup of water. We would not speak nor meet eyes, I was disconnected to all things but my prayer.
On the morning of the third day I sat starring off into the East with the Black robe swaying in the mountain breeze and the Grandfather robe resting from the weight of the heavy wool.
Out of the corner of eye I saw a dark small creature dart across the forest floor near my prayer circle. As I continued to observe I recognized the blur of movement was a small ground squirrel.
I sat still holding my prayer pipe as the squirrel came closer. Suddenly he ran up to the line of robes tied to the sticks on the east side of my prayer circle.
He approached the Black robe representing the rain and my shadow as the squirrel began to furiously tug on the end of the robe with his teeth and front paws. He slowly began to tear the black robe down from it’s tied position and worked the robe off the stick that it was securely tied to till the entire piece of black fabric was laid on the ground.
Once the squirrel had removed the black robe from its stick he began to dig underneath the fabric piece and began to bury the black robe of fear until the totality of the robe was under a thick layer of soil, Mother Earth.
Once he had accomplished this feat he proceed to each robe one by one and stood on his hind legs raising his body erect as if to salute each Robe. After each Robe was acknowledged he ran to the center robe, the Grandfather robe representing the Creator.
He began to tug at the Grandfather Robe duplicating the same tenacity that he had pulled the black robe off it’s supporting stick.
He tugged and pulled and slowly the Grandfather robe began it’s decent down the stick that secured it.
I sat there watching with my breath shallow and my body motionless as the squirrel labored intensely to remove the Grandfather Robe and bring it to the ground.
As I sat there with prayer pipe in hand and my legs and body motionless the Squirrel finely pulled the Grandfather robe to the ground and began to move from corner to corner of the Grandfather Robe pulling each corner taunt. I was mystified by the behavior and sat in complete stillness and silence with my knees up and feet firmly planted. Because of the position I was in I couldn’t quite see all the squirrel had accomplished.
Without warning the Squirrel halted its tireless work on the Robe and ran up my left leg sat onto my knee and looked me directly in the eye. What seemed like an eternity I stared into those soft dark small eyes surrounded by fur. The squirrel then jumped to my right knee and sped off into the forest.
I sat there for a moment unable to move and slowly I began to lower my knees so I could fully witness what the squirrel had constructed with the Grandfather Robe. The Robe representing all creation was laid out perfectly without a crease in the fabric, in the exact location of the four directions north, west south and east. Each corner was pointing in the four directions when a voice went off in my head and said: “I am with you, have always been with you and will continue to be with you in all four directions wherever you travel I am there.”
I sat there unable to move, realizing my vision quest intention had been answered in a miraculous undeniable manner that my mind could not rationalize away or minimize the importance, or believe I was making up the meaning. This happened in an extraordinary way beyond what I could have ever dreamt.
I knew Marilyn knew my quest was coming to a closure. I sat there in the dense forest in the deepest reverence I have ever experience and realized that even on this journey into the dark night of my soul I was being carried. When I thought all hope had faded from my heart and humanity seemed alien to me, even then I was watched over and the experiences were purposeful.
The one thing we require to understand about the shadow aspects of our lives is the seeming failures and blows to the heart, are the experiences that bring with them the greatest opportunities for our evolution. The pain forces each one of us into a state of deep introspection and provides us a rare opportunity to break out of the trance of everyday living into a place where we can create a quantum leap that lasts us a lifetime. In my deepest despair my prayer became so strong and my intention so focused that I gave myself the opportunity to have these experiences to stabilize my mind and strengthen my spirit.
I hold these rare experiences as jewels in the crown of my identity. I know now and forever that my life and your life are guided.
The person we become through HOW we face the trials of our lives testify to the leader we become, the lives we touch in our businesses and our personal life and the legacy we leave our world.
Each of one of us has faced trials. It is not that the trials cease to occur, but the frame of meaning we place around the trials create a greater sense of being a victim or build the muscle of self leadership. One frame will destroy our success and leadership and the other will create mastery.
No matter what you have to face in your personal or business life there is a wisdom or gift inherit in every one of the obstacles.
I can only share with you my authentic experiences in hopes to convene that when you always stay focused upon your objectives, your self leadership matures and you know that there is a powerful force for good waiting to be leaned upon. Intend and you will be given the evidence that there is a divine principle operating in your life.
Love & Light
Gary De Rodriguez
